The parents are exhausted.

Summer will break you. Are we doing it to ourselves? I think the kids can help.

As my kids wrap up their summer activities, and we take that collective breath in before school starts up again, I find myself reflecting on all that I have witnessed and observed across my fellow parents these past several months. Summer is a unique time - if your children are anywhere in the K-12 sphere, you as a parent are responsible for their activities for at least two months or more. That’s daunting, challenging, and expensive (!). You want to provide them access to sunshine, creativity, a chance to meet new friends, learn new skills, and you also need to just occupy their time - and a lot of it all at once. But there’s safety, weather concerns, cost, and access as well. Have you ever felt frustrated and a little resentful that it all falls on you to figure this out?

The mental load of the lead parent has been written about widely. See Fair Play, The Company of Dads, etc. This truly seems to be a more modern concept. At least current researchers and writers are talking about it more comfortably and making the load visible. But the parenting load was always there. The juggling, the planning, the keeping track of it all, the last minute stuff, the stuff we forgot, the stuff we were supposed to do. It seems endless. But summer is the zenith. It is a vast empty expanse that needs to be filled, occupied, scheduled, structured. Or so we are told.

Those that argue for more boredom, less screen time (Jonathan Haidt), finding time to play and let your mind wander - I can appreciate this approach and methodology. I also think it is gaining traction across the parents who have hit the breaking point of finding themselves responsible for the curation and activation of their children’s every waking minute (in addition to all of the adult responsibilities that come with life). I’m warming to the idea that independent, capable children can truly be responsible for planning their own time, and depending on their age, carry out their own activities. What’s the worst that could happen? They make the wrong choice, they fail, they find they don’t like something?

But that’s exactly it. I think the era of overscheduling and parental load sits right there - it then becomes the parents’ problem to help the child solve when they have made a decision that didn’t work out well. Who decided that? Did we as parents set up paradigm that says, “come to me, and I’ll figure out your solution for you?” I wonder if we simply said, “sounds like you didn’t like that. That’s good to know.” Or an even better upgrade: “think a little about the choice you made. Would you make that choice again, based upon what you know now?” I personally feel like trying this offers me a way to exhale - let my shoulders down, and feel like we are all in it together.

Don’t get me wrong. You can’t do this all day, every day, for 8-10 weeks at a time. You’ll drive yourself crazy. But I do think the kids can be a part of the planning of the time, the budgeting of the costs, the researching of available programs, etc. And going into summer with a mindset that there will be unstructured time where you have to fend for yourself. That’s real learning, and to be honest, it is interning in adulting, even at a very young age. These are valuable lessons for your children to learn. That should buoy my fellow parents - look at how well you are preparing them for a future that can and will be uncertain. These will then be kids that will not only survive, but thrive.

This will feel like being a maverick parent. I encourage you to embrace it - not only for your own sanity and mental well-being, but also for the kids who are learning and growing instead of being funneled into a path that doesn’t allow for either of those.

Let’s keep talking. I want you to know there’s support for you to explore new options.